since everyone in the office took off to be with their loved ones or to sob uncontrollably into their pillows about how life is so unfair, i decided to change the scenery a bit tonight and packed up my gear to go work at a cafe nearby. i figure what an awesome chance to pick up chicks. strike while they’re hangin out at a cafe, emotionally vulnerable after a long day of watching/hearing friends squeal with happiness with delivery after delivery of flower bouquets. oh yeah baby. come to daddy, he’ll make you feel better. kidding. kinda. slightly. just a bit.
so here i am at a table in Novel Cafe. instead of sitting next to a ridiculously cute chick with pouty lips running her hands over my shaved head, i’m next to a monkey who clearly regards michael bolton as a personal hero. a monkey who also seems to lack the inborn volume control knob that most people have. so here i am held captive (along with his date), forced to listen to him rattle off about a girl who (in his past) liked him, but couldn’t have liked him (cause she had a bf), but certainly acted like she liked him… and oh man what a great big mess that was. his little story did manage to get me thinking about all my random forays into the world of amore though. random women i haven’t thought about in a long time. from super cute phoebe in 2nd grade to the onionbutt always reading her book on the elliptical machine at the gym. from my date to my first ROTC ball to gf#3. it’s funny how the random people that pass into your life affect you. damn you monkey for pushing me down this sentimental path and damn you peter cetera in the background helping him!
i remember one day in particular, bumming around the kitchen as a kid. mom had placed some cookies in the oven and i was waiting around for it. sittin on the floor. lyin on the floor. sittin on the floor again. imagining animals in the soundproofing snowy stuff on the ceiling.”ok, they should be done. you can get them now,” she said.”OK!” i said as i leaped up and flung open the oven door.what happened next has gone down as one of the moments in my life forever seared into my memory. right up there with the time i stuck a metal fork into an electrical outlet in the philippines as a kid.
in my excitement i forgot to put the oven mitts on and i jammed both hands into the oven and picked that pan full of chocolate chip goodness up.
my hands felt oddly cold at first and then searing heat registered through my fingertips and palms. naturally pan full of chocolate chip goodness fell and chocolate chip goodness flew all over the place as i yelled out in pain.
this story comes to mind because of a blog entry i read a while back that touched on the exact same subject and matters of the heart, an entry that really got me thinking.
“In biology, pain is a good thing. It helps you learn and not damage your physical body in the future. But in matters of the heart, although pain has a similar effect, it also has a bad side effect. And that’s this notion of not letting yourself be happy. We don’t like to get our hopes up. We don’t like to get ahead of ourselves. We like to control our level of happiness, so that that we can minimize risk and potential damage to our hearts.
But if you ask me, being half-assed happy is worse than feeling indifferent. I’d rather be cloud 9 happy or tearfully sad, rather than have to control my joy. If you’re gonna be happy, shout it out from the rooftops, dammit! If you’re gonna be sad, bawl your eyes out! Let it all out, wear your heart on your sleeve! Emotion is healthy. Bottling it all up is not. Those valleys can be dark and lonely, but those mountain tops… wow. That’s living. ”
like everyone and their moms’ i’ve had my share of burns and letdowns realtionship-wise. it’s the natural course of things when you’re trying to find a place where you … just FIT. it’s life. some people do make you question humanity. others add on to your belief that god has a spoiled pitbull that loves to use your life as his chew toy.
still, i’m with the guy above. when i look back at my relationships – gfs and girls i’ve dated, i can’t say that i’ve had any regrets. i’ve learned more about the woman i want to be with and learned a lot about the women i can’t stand. picked up on a couple of things about myself along the way too. so when i’m at a good place in my life without excess baggage from the previous relationship my heart’s like the freakin hoover dam. i know pretty much instantly if i can ever feel anything for someone, and even when i feel it… i resist like a mofo. when i know someone is truely worth goin all out for though, i get in trouble, because then the floodgates open – and i become … funny.
that’s me though. in every other aspect of my life i strive to maintain my somewhat tenuous grip on control. in my career, my dealings with friends, personal development and even the gym… will and discipline run rampant *patting belly*.
in this one thing i’ve refused to compromise. i’m either all in or i fold. tramp stamp in the lower back? fold. gives a doorknob a run for it’s money in the i.q. department? fold. loves to play with knives? fold. voodoo dolls? fold. oral fixation? objection withdrawn your honor, be over in 5. ha. really though, all or nothing. you know? you’re either willing to see everything else about that person… or you’re not. half-assing in this part of life doesn’t really get you anywhere. worse yet, you’ve got a hostage while you’re doin it.
there are definitely those contradictory moments when i’ve wanted to sit down and figure out the science of cloning so that i can clone myself just to kick my own ass. you don’t want to miss them, but you do. you don’t want to be sentimental, but you are. you don’t want to think about them, but you do. you don’t like being this way, but you are.
there’s always that part of you with your hands over your eyes… the little kid with one eye peaking through your fingers, bracing yourself for the train wreck. it’s such a huge risk… being out there with your heart open for someone to see.
it’s been a while since i’ve managed to feel that way about anyone in particular and i’ve come to realize that i’m pretty ridiculously closed off emotionally at the moment. walls n’ such. funny thing about walls though, just gotta have faith that they’ll come tumbling down when the right person comes knockin. till then, nothin else to do but to live life.
ahhh, amore. like most things in life – “risk nothing, gain nothing”.
Though things like this,
Make me sick.
In a case like this,
I’ll get away with it…
-Somebody by Depeche Mode
ooh cute girl. drat, there’s her date. haha. back to work i go.