two word review: “fucked up”
i wasn’t particularly interested in seeing this movie, but i needed the break and some of the gang was going to go see it. so i went. peer pressure, i art thy bitch.

i was in a really good mood before i went to go see this movie. had an extra skip in my step and a slight twinkle in my eye. if a familiar song came wafting out of nowhere and a bunch of dancers mysteriously appeared behind me and started singing along i would be headlining my very own musical. ok, maybe not that happy but you get my drift.

so i sit on down with my raisinettes and white cherry slurpee expecting a good show. how can it not be with a title called “there will be blood”? 158 minutes later i’m pissing my white cherry slurpee into the urinal and wondering what the hell i just watched. it was a good movie. hell, a great movie if you were actively looking for something like it. the thing is, that movie pretty much took my good mood, tied it up into a neat little bow and punted it into shark infested waters.

daniel day-lewis was excellent at playing one of the most complex and twisted characters not in a tim burton movie. man oh man did i flinch everytime a piece of an oil rig fell and cracked someone’s dome like an egg. heh. so, as long as you’re not expecting rays of sunshine to get blown up your ass… this might be a movie worth checking out.  you don’t have to take my word for it though.

to say that i’ve been busy would be an understatement.

very much like saying guys are dogs. and women never know what they want. or that michael jackson looks kinda pale.

i loved working at the ‘hoo, but there’s definitely something rewarding about being at the start of something. time will tell if it’ll be something huge, but being at ground zero and slinging the same blood in the same mud with people who have just as much a vested interest in the product as you do…and so obviously care about the product - is pretty fulfilling. it’s reawakened something in me that i had worried was fading and has made me realize how invaluable my time at the ‘hoo has been. i don’t care what you google bandwagon jumpers say. outside of search and maps, yahoo pretty consistently beats the snot out of the rest of google’s offerings. and how many of you can REALLY discern how much different search results are from one search engine to another? heh.

here’s a sneak peek at what i’ve been up to the past few weeks:  http://test.getback.com

y’know, i never really understood the fascination with pinball before i got here, but now that i’ve got one on the other side of my cube. i kinda get it. sure you can’t shoot people with rocket launchers or drive tanks in them, but there’s something oddly simplistic and satisfying about smacking that ball around and scoring big. or maybe i’ve turned into an even bigger geek than i was last year.

i’m really lovin the new mac i have. wish i had the time to fully transition over to it as my primary dev machine. i should clone myself and kick me in the nuts just for typing that.

to say that i need sleep would be an understatement.

very much like saying all guys think about is sex. or women can’t drive. or that jessica alba’s baby daddy is one lucky mofo.

sometimes i like to take a break from it all and wallow in lowbrow humor. cracked.com rocks - http://www.cracked.com/article_15853_6-cutest-animals-that-can-still-destroy-you.html

since everyone in the office took off to be with their loved ones or to sob uncontrollably into their pillows about how life is so unfair, i decided to change the scenery a bit tonight and packed up my gear to go work at a cafe nearby. i figure what an awesome chance to pick up chicks. strike while they’re hangin out at a cafe, emotionally vulnerable after a long day of watching/hearing friends squeal with happiness with delivery after delivery of flower bouquets. oh yeah baby. come to daddy, he’ll make you feel better. kidding. kinda. slightly. just a bit.

so here i am at a table in Novel Cafe. instead of sitting next to a ridiculously cute chick with pouty lips running her hands over my shaved head, i’m next to a monkey who clearly regards michael bolton as a personal hero. a monkey who also seems to lack the inborn volume control knob that most people have. so here i am held captive (along with his date), forced to listen to him rattle off about a girl who (in his past) liked him, but couldn’t have liked him (cause she had a bf), but certainly acted like she liked him… and oh man what a great big mess that was. his little story did manage to get me thinking about all my random forays into the world of amore though. random women i haven’t thought about in a long time. from super cute phoebe in 2nd grade to the onionbutt always reading her book on the elliptical machine at the gym. from my date to my first ROTC ball to gf#3. it’s funny how the random people that pass into your life affect you. damn you monkey for pushing me down this sentimental path and damn you peter cetera in the background helping him!

---

i remember one day in particular, bumming around the kitchen as a kid. mom had placed some cookies in the oven and i was waiting around for it. sittin on the floor. lyin on the floor. sittin on the floor again. imagining animals in the soundproofing snowy stuff on the ceiling.”ok, they should be done. you can get them now,” she said.”OK!” i said as i leaped up and flung open the oven door.what happened next has gone down as one of the moments in my life forever seared into my memory. right up there with the time i stuck a metal fork into an electrical outlet in the philippines as a kid.

in my excitement i forgot to put the oven mitts on and i jammed both hands into the oven and picked that pan full of chocolate chip goodness up.

my hands felt oddly cold at first and then searing heat registered through my fingertips and palms. naturally pan full of chocolate chip goodness fell and chocolate chip goodness flew all over the place as i yelled out in pain.

this story comes to mind because of a blog entry i read a while back that touched on the exact same subject and matters of the heart, an entry that really got me thinking.

“In biology, pain is a good thing. It helps you learn and not damage your physical body in the future. But in matters of the heart, although pain has a similar effect, it also has a bad side effect. And that’s this notion of not letting yourself be happy. We don’t like to get our hopes up. We don’t like to get ahead of ourselves. We like to control our level of happiness, so that that we can minimize risk and potential damage to our hearts.

But if you ask me, being half-assed happy is worse than feeling indifferent. I’d rather be cloud 9 happy or tearfully sad, rather than have to control my joy. If you’re gonna be happy, shout it out from the rooftops, dammit! If you’re gonna be sad, bawl your eyes out! Let it all out, wear your heart on your sleeve! Emotion is healthy. Bottling it all up is not. Those valleys can be dark and lonely, but those mountain tops… wow. That’s living. ”

like everyone and their moms’ i’ve had my share of burns and letdowns realtionship-wise. it’s the natural course of things when you’re trying to find a place where you … just FIT. it’s life. some people do make you question humanity. others add on to your belief that god has a spoiled pitbull that loves to use your life as his chew toy.

still, i’m with the guy above. when i look back at my relationships - gfs and girls i’ve dated, i can’t say that i’ve had any regrets. i’ve learned more about the woman i want to be with and learned a lot about the women i can’t stand. picked up on a couple of things about myself along the way too. so when i’m at a good place in my life without excess baggage from the previous relationship my heart’s like the freakin hoover dam. i know pretty much instantly if i can ever feel anything for someone, and even when i feel it… i resist like a mofo. when i know someone is truely worth goin all out for though, i get in trouble, because then the floodgates open - and i become … funny.

that’s me though. in every other aspect of my life i strive to maintain my somewhat tenuous grip on control. in my career, my dealings with friends, personal development and even the gym… will and discipline run rampant *patting belly*.

in this one thing i’ve refused to compromise. i’m either all in or i fold. tramp stamp in the lower back? fold. gives a doorknob a run for it’s money in the i.q. department? fold. loves to play with knives? fold. voodoo dolls? fold. oral fixation? objection withdrawn your honor, be over in 5. ha. really though, all or nothing. you know? you’re either willing to see everything else about that person… or you’re not. half-assing in this part of life doesn’t really get you anywhere. worse yet, you’ve got a hostage while you’re doin it.

there are definitely those contradictory moments when i’ve wanted to sit down and figure out the science of cloning so that i can clone myself just to kick my own ass. you don’t want to miss them, but you do. you don’t want to be sentimental, but you are. you don’t want to think about them, but you do. you don’t like being this way, but you are.

there’s always that part of you with your hands over your eyes… the little kid with one eye peaking through your fingers, bracing yourself for the train wreck. it’s such a huge risk… being out there with your heart open for someone to see.

it’s been a while since i’ve managed to feel that way about anyone in particular and i’ve come to realize that i’m pretty ridiculously closed off emotionally at the moment. walls n’ such. funny thing about walls though, just gotta have faith that they’ll come tumbling down when the right person comes knockin. till then, nothin else to do but to live life.

ahhh, amore. like most things in life - “risk nothing, gain nothing”.

Though things like this,
Make me sick.
In a case like this,
I’ll get away with it…
-Somebody by Depeche Mode

---

ooh cute girl. drat, there’s her date. haha. back to work i go.

since i don’t really have time to write anything at the moment, i figured i’d bequeath a gift of sorts upon ye.

last year, RIIIIIGHT around this time of the year my close circle of friends and i exchanged our secret santa gifts. Ambie told us all about how she’d always been curious about the master cleanse detox program and guess what? so was i! turns out several of us were. so we formed two groups - group A and group B (hurray for creative naming conventions!). group B consisted of the gang that would try it after group A (yes, the pussies).  everyone dropping out of the bet would give $20 to the person who lasted the longest.

we also decided to chronicle the whole thing…. so if you feel like reading the brutal honest perspective of what it’s like going through the master cleanse detox program check it out. i suggest reading it from the very beginning. it’s not that long of a read. hahaha. enjoy!!

http://www.xanga.com/cleansemeplease

---

today was my last full day at the office as a Frontend Engineer with Yahoo! i’m still tryin to digest the mix of feelings tumbling around in my cranium, so i’ll save the post for another day when i can articulate it better.

needless to say, to all the awesome people i’ve worked with through my five year stint there. it really was an amazing ride. thank you for that.

apologies in advance, the testosterone’s totally in overdrive at the moment.

there’s a scene in many comic books and movies based on comic books that always has my imagination goin “cooooooooooool…”

it’s the one where the hero lands from such a height that the force of their landing ruptures the very ground beneath them with a loud boom and blows a plume of smoke/dust/dirt all over the place. when the dust settles you see the aftermath of a crater created by so much power the earth and concrete are torn asunder with linear fractures pointing towards the center - where the hero stands, all pissed lookin. ready to throw down. ready to save the day. ready to smack you upside your head with an M1-Abrams tank.

so i’ve got an overactive imagination. it comes in handy quite often. especially when you’re egging yourself on to hit that personal benchmark. took me long enough but i hit my goal of bein able to bench over 200 finally. took my fatass long enough. i know… no one cares. but blah! blah blah! blah blah blah!! ok, back to focusing on being functionally fit.

so stoked!! what a way to head into 2008!!! call the pentagon, i just located the missing WMDs! *kisses biceps*

did you just say purple pants are for pussies?

---

i saw another onion at the gym earlier this morning. body so fine it brought tears to my eyes, and a really pretty face to match! i’m a total face guy. i don’t get how guys can be “ass” guys or “boob” guys. i figure you gotta talk to the face, laugh with the face, sleep next to the face, put up with whining from the face and put up with getting yelled at by the face…soooo why focus so much on the other body parts? forget “big butt and a smile”, i’m a total sucker for a pretty face. sometimes. just sometimes, i get tempted to break my vow not to be THAT guy at the gym. hahaha. ok, testosterone levels normalizing…

time to clean up the apartment some so it’s spick and span clean for 2008!can’t wait to go home! can’t wait to play with meimei! can’t wait to go boarding on new years day! can’t wait to play video games with the brothers! can’t wait to make fun of/be mean to (lovingly of course) my sister! can’t wait to walk through the garage door and proclaim “head’s up everyone! Number 1 is HOOOOOOMMMMEEEE!!!”

i’m sure the euphoria will only last for … oh… about 1.5 days. i plan on enjoying every little bit of it till i get antsy though. hahaha!

so long. farewell. bay area here i come!

so i saw “i am legend” the other week, and i gotta say “eh”. it didn’t do jack for me.

the book was better. much MUCH better.

i mean, c’mon - will smith as a world reknown scientist? that was big mistake number one. that’s right up there with jessica alba as a brainy astrophysicist in the Fantastic Four movies. white labcoat and a clipboard do NOT a scientist make.

» Continue Reading

despite a fun little gingerbread house making session earlier this evening, i seem to still be in some state of denial about the holiday season already being upon us. hell, i haven’t even started shopping yet.

xmas e-cards for everyone! kidding. kind-of.

in the spirit of the holiday season i again resurrect one of my more favorite posts i’ve ever written on the subject. not sure how much time i’ll have to write another post between now and christmas, so to you and yours i bid you a “Merry Christmas!” holy shit i should be sleeping. need to wake up in about 3 hours! gah! enjoy!

---

my family was pretty far from “well-off” when i was younger. my mother made ends meet by running a licensed daycare center from our home and my father was a cook in the u.s. navy. as hard as it was, things would go from bad to worse when my father would have to leave for months on end for the WESTPAC tours leaving my mother with the unenviable task of taking care of four crazy kids.i remember kids from school making fun of people who had to put things on lay-away. i never thought it was funny. lay-away was how my mother would get us our christmas gifts. even though i knew what i was getting several months ahead of time, it never killed the excitement for me. looking back it amazes me how far my mother and father would stretch an already strained budget just to give us a taste of the christmas everyone else had. » Continue Reading

the waves crashed along the rocky shore.

backed by powerful gusts of wind, each crash was accompanied by a unique roar and a hiss of sea spray taking flight into the gray sky.

eyes silently scanning the horizon, the panorama of sea and sky faded to black as he closed his eyes and allowed the waves to crash into him. through him. over him. the cacophony of nature without clashing with the cacophony within.

“if only they could drown you all out,” he mused. his mind’s eye gazing at his own demons waiting in the darkened hollows of his mind. blinking. laughing. they grinned back at him.

sea and sky came into view once again as he opened his eyes to resume his scanning. as if somewhere, floating just beneath one of these waves, were the answers his restless heart always sought.

a light drizzle began to fall. dancing silently in between his thoughts. tapping his hooded countenance lightly, as if to remind him of… something. what exactly?

peeling back the sweater’s hoodie, he tilted his face into the oncoming drops. eyes open and then closed. again listening. again waiting. raindrops tracing their way down the familiar pathways owned by grins, furrowed thoughts, frowns, smiles and the rest of their ilk. the coolness of the drops felt reassuring almost. reassuring enough to twist a wry smirk into the corner of his mouth as he continued his watch. wave after wave. roar after roar.

cautious steps on loose gravel signaled her hesitant approach.

» Continue Reading